I'm an evening runner

There was a small guest house nestled in between a bamboo forest and a larger home on a corner street in a neighborhood near White Rock Lake in Dallas. For a year this was my home. I was in third grade, eight years old, constantly had my nose in a book and acted out made up stories in the bamboo forest. There were evenings when my mom and I would stroll through the neighborhood past large storybook homes. Somehow, I always remember these evenings happening in the summer, though I'm sure they happened throughout the year. We would walk to nearby parks. The tall trees lining the street would block out the last streaks of sun before it set. I could feel the hot, sticky air clingy to my skin. I would race my mom pushing as hard as I could against the ground, grass crunching under my feet. There were still fireflies everywhere, lighting up the evening sky. I felt free and strong and fast in these moments.

Those nights are what I think of when I can manage an evening run, setting out as the last corner of the sun kisses the horizon. The dried grass crunches under my feet, immediately taking me back to a time when I imagined a shallow stretch of bamboo to be a vast forest leading me to a magical kingdom. If I squint, headlights in the distance remind me of the flashing fireflies dancing across the night sky. Without the sun glaring down on me, the hot July air doesn't feel so unbearable.

When I was in the fourth grade, I lived on another street. This street was filled with families and chatter and the ringing of bike bells as we rode up and down the hill. I would run through the alleys with my friend Stephanie gathering seeds from the four o'clocks that lined the fences. We would pull honeysuckle flowers off their bushes and suck out the insides. I would climb the tree in my front yard, hiding from the boys as the rode by on their bikes trying to get me to laugh at them. The sun was setting when I would drag myself inside, sticky and smelling like grass and humid Texas air. Yes, humid Texas air has a smell.

I love Texas evenings. And I love the Texas evenings when I'm not working an can manage a run. I imagine expansive prairies whenever I pass undeveloped land. I imagine massive military forts whenever I pass apartment complexes. I imagine I am Laura Ingalls Wilder roaming the last frontier during her childhood. I imagine that the small rabbits pushed from their native homes by the golf course and the town homes are actually just part of Peter Rabbit's family. And when I'm approaching, I laugh when they stop, still as a garden statue, hoping I don't notice them.

Tonight I passed one of these rabbits flattened in the road. I fought back tears feeling guilty that my home had overtaken his. I felt guilty that I was still running, when he didn't run fast enough in the last moments of his life.

I ran just a little bit faster up that last hill.

Immersion...running?

I haven't gone for a run in several days. I was at a writing conference all weekend. That's a good excuse, right?

And, let's be honest, I am not quite that dedicated yet to running--no matter what.

This year's topic was immersion. Some of the tactics the writers used were for reporting shorter news stories. Other speakers have spent years fully immersed in a story for a book. I'm just not that well-funded. I probably won't be moving to Hawaii to live with surfers (oh but I want to!). I'm not likely to get a job as a corrections officer just so I can get an inside look of a prison.

How does this have anything to do with running? I can immerse myself in running, right? Just go every day (or at least try to). Lesson learned. Well not quite. Running is a culture. It has its own jargon, community and attitudes. To some extent, running is becoming popular. It seems every nonprofit organization puts on some kind of walk or fun run. The Rock n Roll marathon series is a growing for-profit business. The Boston Marathon recently reduced its qualifying times, narrowing the potential field of runners accepted to the race each year. And within the larger running community, there are subcultures: barefoot runners, female runners, male runners, elderly runners, gluten free runners, professional runners, ultramarathoners, marathoners, sprinters, trail runners, and the list goes on.

I'm slowly learning some of the jargon in the running community. PR is a big one. In my writing and news world, I hear PR, and I think public relations. A runner hears PR and thinks personal record. Or PB: personal best. This is for those time obsessed racers seeking BQs: Boston qualifying times. I've learned what fartleks are. I know what speedwork is. Hill repeats. ITBS. Stress fractures. Gu. Butt kicks.

I'm still a beginner. I don't yet belong to a subculture of runners. I haven't fully immersed myself in this elite society of masochistic people. Mostly, I run by myself on some road near my apartment hoping to achieve the bliss I felt during my one perfect run. It was in Hawaii. I'm in Texas. Big difference. Occasionally I pass another runner. I nod. We share a quick wave and then go about our business.

Though I was sitting most of the weekend inside on overly air conditioned conference room, I was imagining how what I learned could be applied to running. Running keeps me writing. And writing keeps me running. Now I just need to take the next step and fully infiltrate this world I've only been visiting. It's time to join the subculture, go full immersion.

I'm going native.

I'm a lazy runner (blogger)

I haven't blogged in awhile. Clearly. I ran last night. But sometimes I have to remind myself I'm supposed to be a runner. Just like I'm reminding myself now that I'm supposed to be a writer.

Sometimes it's easy to think, "Well, gosh, I've done that before. I can do it again." I did a cartwheel once. Not so sure I could do it again. I've never quite grasped cartwheeling. I ran a half marathon once (well, six months ago). Just because I did it once doesn't mean I can up and run 13.1 miles right now. It takes practice. Doing cartwheels takes practice. Writing takes practice. Running takes practice.

I played the violin for many years. I can still play but, trust me, it's not a beautiful sound. Why? Because I haven't practiced in years. It's like the old joke:

A tourist stops a New Yorker. "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" he asks.

"Practice," the New Yorker responds.

How do I run a half marathon? Practice.

How do I write a great blog (or at least a good one)? Practice.

How do I play the violin? Practice.

How do I balance chemistry formulas? Practice.

You get the picture. Well, so do I. But a couple of weeks ago I had to remind myself. I'm not going to run this half marathon just because I ran one before. I've taken an American History test before, but it doesn't mean I would pass one now. Our minds don't retain information without a little practice (aka studying), and our muscles don't remember without training.

I've recently been feeling a little down, because I'm looking for a (real) full-time job. Unless you've been living under a rock for the past several years, this statement shouldn't surprise you. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so tough, quite so competitive. But I have to keep trying. Just like I have to keep running.

My best friend sent me this text message after I said I was beating myself up a bit: "You are, but it's who you are. You're a perfectionist and an overachiever and there's nothing wrong with that. But among all those things, you're also a strong woman and you have to believe in yourself and believe you WILL find a great job. You are not one to give up either, so just remember that too!"

I received it right as I was coming up on one of the toughest hills near my house. I didn't want to run it, but I did, because I have people who believe in me. They believe that with practice I will get better. And one day soon I will cross that finish line, whether it's at a marathon or in the job market.

This blog may not make much sense now. I'm out of practice. It'll get better.